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7:34 a.m. - Monday, Oct. 25, 2021
I Hate that I let people affect me.
I am feeling sad, I do not completely trust that I know why, could be hormonal. On the other hand, I should say I wish I could blame it on hormones, I would rather it be that. It might be worse because of them. However, that is not it. I am sad for the reason that I am sad about 90% of the time......

I am never as important to the “friends and family” in my life as I want to be. Moreover, it never makes a difference to tell them I feel that way. No one I have ever told has cared enough to change it or more often than not, they react very badly, turning it back on me making me feel guilty for saying anything. I am tired, so emotionally tired.

It really is nothing new. I know for a few people in my life it is because of distance and I understand that. What sucks is when they lived close I did not feel sad as often. I figure I don’t deserve that particular happiness for some reason, I guess I am paying for some karma in this or a past life that has me cursed to wish for that best friend relationship, get it, only for it to be ripped away by circumstances. Of course, that makes me too scared to try to form that type of bond again. In addition, lately when I have just went for it, I have paid in worse than, my best friend moved, ways. I really want a list of the things that I have bad karma for, I want to “pay” for them so I can mark them off and say I have a clean slate to start fresh. I am so done with “paying” without the knowledge of what I am “paying” for.

Ultimately, the problem is that I feel like I put the greater percentage of effort in. I feel like 90% of the time I am the person who reaches out first. I am the one who asks or plans the get together. I am the one who travels. I am the one willing to go out of my way. I am the one who lets it be just about seeing and spending time with “you”. I am the one who checks in to see how “you” are. Then there are those “friends” who either ignore me, make excuses or cancel any plans I make. This makes me feel like I am too easily forgotten. Which then means I was never important in the first place. Or even worse, that I am a bother, a burden they feel obligated to endure or someone they pity.

I only want authentic and truthful people in my life. I only want people in my life that want to be there.

I know life gets in the way. I know this is not true of everyone in my life. I wish it did not feel like it is though. I wish I did not feel this way every couple of months.


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