7:14 a.m. - Thursday, Apr. 19, 2018
Thank you
Thank you for coming into my life; I have had moments where that is not how I feel about this relationship. It has been such a mix of emotions. I vehemently did not want this type of an experience to ever happen to me again. It is not exactly like it was before. In many ways it has been much more painful. In other ways is has been much more rewarding. I tried to ignore your existence. It had nothing to with you as a person. I just didn't want to feel the rollercoaster of emotions that comes along with letting someone that I could be attracted to into my life. It wasn't that I didn't like you or that I didn't want to get to know you. I knew you would complicate my life, not in the front of my mind, but I just knew. I also knew that I would never truly know how to handle it on my own. I get lost in the unknown, the questions I am too scared to ask. I somehow knew you would be one of the people I would crave to the point of losing my strength to ask for what I want and be okay if the answer is no. I would worry if I am not enough, and how I can be a different me that will make you notice and want to be around me more. That is why I tried to avoid any type of relationship at all. Especially the one that I believe we have. I know why I ignored all the times I told myself no. But knowing doesn't help the fact that you broke down the wall I had painstakingly built. I don't understand why you kept beating at it. Especially since I constantly doubt that you truly wanted in. Why did you feel the need to create a door you had no intention of walking through. And now you just stand right outside of it just enough in view that I have no way to let you go. Not interacting, not even really there, just enough of a ghost of what could be to keep me hoping. And the thing that makes it all the harder is that I believe you to be a good person. I know just knowing you has caused me to change and become a better, stronger person. I talk to my husband, I consider his point of view, and I tell him when he is hurting me or being unkind. I decide to not be annoyed at every little thing I don't like that he does. I am open to trying new things. Considering other options, seeing what could be good before just assuming that it can't work. I try to see why I feel strongly towards something rather than assuming it is just wrong. I would not give up the good part, the strength I have gained by knowing you, to not have to deal with bad parts. I would be willing to feel the uncertainty that you actually even care, to have what I have gained. Even in the moments that the doubt seems overwhelming and painful, I wouldn't change it. So even though this seems like a strange way to say thank you, I really do thank you. I am learning to just be me. I have decided to not worry if anyone actually likes me and wants to be around me. The ones who do I will cherish, the ones who don't, I will wish them the best and go about living my best life.
