2:07 p.m. - Wednesday, May. 26, 2010
LIFE IS POINTLESS
This just goes to show that life is a big nasty circle and nothing ever truly changes.
This is not for you, as much as closure for me. I don�t know exactly what kind of person I am. I am sure that I may not be who I would hope to be. I do know that the people I care about are very few. I have been let down too many times in my life to let many in. I think I knew in the being that maybe you weren�t as sincere as I wanted you to be. But I didn�t really have much experience to base it on, or maybe the truth is that I ignored what my instincts were telling me because I was lonely. I have always known who likes me and who doesn�t. I chose to ignore that with you.
I don�t know what it is about me that puts people off, maybe I am too honest, maybe I let go too much and people would rather I be who they want rather than who I am. But I can�t be anything other than me. I have spent my entire life striving to be a better person. But I don�t want to be the person other people think I should be. I want to be someone I can be proud of. I want to know that I have been good to the people I care about, that I have been there when I am needed and been an honest strength at their side, not someone who just coddles them. I feel like I did that for you. I am sure I was not the perfect friend, but I did try. But I have decided I am done being more or doing more than the other people in any relationship I am in. I have fought not to be a selfish person and it has failed to be worth the effort.
I am angry with you. I am hurt by you. I feel like I gave you the best friend I could be and in return I got a 40% effort. But it is fine, you are who you are and I don�t want you to be someone you aren�t for me. So I will chalk this up to we are not friendship compatible. I already have enough friends I have to accept just don�t have enough time for me. I can�t do that anymore.
I am tired of wondering if I did something to piss you off or if you just have no need for me anymore so why waste your time. I am going to believe that you just never really cared and now you have enough people in your life that you no longer need a backup.
I have needed someone for few months now. And no one has been there. I have needed a shoulder and there has been none. But I guess that will just be my lot in life. Oh well.
Anyway, I don�t wish you ill. I hope you are happy. I hope you have everything you need and want in life.
I am sure that I will feel like it is wrong to be this emotional and passionate. I am sure that I am not supposed to feel this much, but there it is. I do and I am so damn tired of feeling guilty for feeling.
Vince would ask me why I care, that is such a good question. Why do I care? I just hope that real soon my heart will be nice and walled in, I don�t want to care, and I don�t want to feel the need for a true friend. I want it to be enough to be by myself. I think being a selfish hermit is much safer.
Bye.
