1:43 p.m. - Thursday, Apr. 15, 2010
Yet Another Letter to Never Reach the Recipient!
Pam,
I have thought about this, unfortunately so much more than I really ever wanted to, and I have decided I can do one of two things:
1. I can continue to treat you as just another �friend� who has disappointed me and let the friendship fade. I am very used to going this route. I have done it with countless people in my life, and much to my personal and emotional dismay, will do many more times in my life.
2. Try one more time to make you understand how what you do affects me.
Even writing this I still have no idea which way this will go. I guess that is more up to you than it is me. I know you are thinking, �But you know how I am.� What I know in my heart is actions speck so much louder and true than words. I don�t mind having to be the one to call you more often than not, but there is a point when not calling means you just don�t care. Especially when I try to set up a time to go out, and get shot down, well pretty much every time, if you don�t just completely ignore it and I just don�t hear anything about it again. Then when I do hear from you after a month or more, it is when you need my daughter to babysit. And then when you could have been the one to bring her home and maybe sit for a few minutes to just say hi, you don�t. And I still haven�t heard from you since then. I have no idea what is going on in your life. So maybe you are just so busy that every second of your day is taken, and you have not even one extra one to shoot me a text to just say hi. Then hey life is what it is. But the problem here is that I feel unwanted and unneeded based on your actions, and when I am in your presence. And if you feel that way, again life is what it is. I can live with it if you just want me to go away. I rather know the truth, harsh as it may be. I hate not knowing and feeling that slight knowing yet not knowing insecurity. And I know I am not imagining it, because I only feel that way around people who are at the very least apathetic in their feelings for me. If I feel insecure then I honestly believe it has a basis in reality. So I guess I am asking you to be brave and just tell me the truth. And to let you know that I will not be putting myself out there anymore, I won�t be taking the first steps from this point forward. I know that I am needy, but I do try so very hard to beat that need into submission, but I can�t be the only person in this God forsaken world trying to get what they want out of life while trying to temper their actions so as not to scare the hell out of people. I am tired of feeling like I am the only person in every damn relationship I have that has to do all the damn work to actually have the relationship. I am not asking to hear from you daily. I wouldn�t want nor expect to hear from anyone that often. But it would be nice to hear from you maybe once every other week, I just don�t think that is too much to ask for, especially if you have been telling me the truth for that last 9 years and you do actually care if I am in your life or not. Hell I could be wrong, it happens so often I still can�t figure out why the hell I keep getting out of bed.
