10:51 a.m. - Monday, Nov. 10, 2008
Confusion
I lay on his chest and cried. I told him I don�t want to be divorced. I just want to be happy, but he doesn�t always make me happy. So we spent the day lying there together. We didn�t talk about anything, just laid there. I felt content, not happy, just content. He had to go to work for a few hours, came home, everything still seemed fine, he asked where my ring was, so I got it out of my purse and put it back on. We went to bed at the same time, and we had sex. The sex was good, but as I lay there during, I kept analyzing it, it is good, I can enjoy it, but it isn�t mind blowing, I don�t tingle anywhere he touches me, I don�t get lost in it, my mind wanders, I think of other things. Am I expecting too much? I went to sleep fine, nothing wrong. I woke up depressed, confused. I don�t understand why. I thought I would feel better, that I would be happy that I am not destroying a 14 year marriage, that my kids will have their Mom and Dad in the same house, possibly happy with each other. Why does the fact that I had my ring back on make me want to cry? I should be smiling and giddy, I mean I got laid and I think he loves me, he says he does, will I ever be able to believe him.
