12:59 p.m. - 2008-10-09
And Again......
Monday night I am laying in bed, actually got there kinda early, contemplating the loss of a childhood friend and the fact that I had the same surgery that caused her death. I wasn�t crying, I did that in the shower, but I was distraught non-the-less. What does my husband feel the need to discuss, whether or not I still love him. WTF! Well right that second I wasn�t feeling it! Why were we discussing this! Oh yeah I know, we haven�t had sex in more than a week, shit! What the fuck is wrong with him! I am in the need for time to grieve, not add another reason to grieve! It doesn�t help that I have no idea if I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. He annoys me, is rude and inconsiderate, unromantic, we have no chemistry, I am happier when he is at work etc. etc. But I don�t hate him, sex is good, but I don�t really have anything to compare it to, he isn�t a bad father, and he works his ass off to keep us from the poor house. So I don�t know if I can spend the rest of my life wishing for that chemistry, that feeling of longing and missing them when they are gone, being happy when they call/come home, loving the feel of them lying next to me. I don�t feel that way anymore, don�t believe I can feel that way again. But I am scared to see if I can be on my own. And I do believe I would need to be on my own for a while. Why oh fucking why can�t I just be head over heels in love with the man I am married to. FUCK!
