8:58 a.m. - 2008-07-10
Thoughts on V
How I feel about my husband.
I thought we were moving in the right direction or I hoped we were, shoot maybe we are, I don�t know. But he said something last night that just threw me, he said, �you stole that from me.� He was talking about the fact that he got a vasectomy. I scheduled the appointment, but I didn�t take him and I didn�t walk him in the office and I didn�t put a gun to his head. But apparently he resents me for it. I didn�t know that it is just as easy for girls as guys now or I would have done it. I just know I can�t take birth control, at all, it messes with my brain chemistry and I become suicidal. And I am allergic to spermicide, so if a condom were to break I would have had no back up. Plus we are married and I hated having to use them. So I thought it was an agreement that he would get it done, not me forcing him, I guess I was wrong.
Then I really believe he wants to be single, he just doesn�t have the balls to deal with the backlash. He wants a Mustang, and he is always saying shit like, I can�t wait to get married and have a big wedding, when I have kids, I want to go there on my honeymoon etc. WTF! Then just go do it already. Man up! If you really want out that bad then GO!
A friend of mine that moved to Alabama read my blogs on MySpace. I don�t put as much there as here, but I will put a little about what is going on over there. Well she had never read my blogs before and Tuesday she read them all. She called me and told me to take all the savings pack me and the kids up and go live with her. She said she couldn�t believe I was putting up with his shit. Sometimes neither can I. Anyway, V want to know what she called for. I told him. Boy did he get pissy. He can�t stand the fact that people might think he did something wrong. He muttered something about me doing shit wrong. What about that. The difference there is I will admit when I am wrong. Yes I fell in love with someone about 6 years ago. Yes I still keep in touch. But it was a she, and she is now married with a kid and happy, and we are just friends, I don�t even think of her like that anymore. But we did work through that. I don�t know, maybe we just aren�t meant for each other. Maybe he was just supposed to give me my two kids and now we are supposed to move on. I just don�t know anymore, and I don�t want to take someone else�s advice to make my decision. I don�t want to be able to blame anyone but myself if I fuck up. I really need a light at the end of the tunnel here. I do not want to be in this same place anymore, I feel like we are stagnant, stuck, sinking in quick sand, sometimes we pull ourselves up just enough to breathe and think the rope to pull us out will hold, then it snaps and we sink again. I want out of this whole, I want to move forward and up. WHY DOES THAT SEEM TO BE TOO MUCH TO ASK?!!!!!!
