3:35 p.m. - 2008-05-28
Musings, Wonderings and Such
After this weekend I am wondering if I want to be married, again. I am so sick of this shit with my husband, I have been married for going on 14 years and it seems I have spent more than half of it wondering why I did it. He still talks to his girlfriend. I almost want him to just finish falling for her and move on. I feel like he is trying to get me to end it, all the shit he has been pulling lately. And I don�t even know if I care. I do and don�t like the idea of being single. It seems like when you are single that you become consumed with needing to find that one person. I don�t want to be that way. I think I would enjoy the freedom of meeting new people and knowing I could truly flirt and maybe let it become something more. I just don�t want the worry of the something more take over my brain. I am also afraid of what this will do to my kids. Poor things already have no idea what to think about our relationship.
This is how it should work, you get married, you only love, look at; get horny for, want your spouse. Your spouse should be all you need, all you want, and nothing should be able to upset that. All marriages should be happily ever after, no exceptions.
Nice fantasy huh.
So knowing that it doesn�t work that way, why do people still get married? Why? Just don�t do it. I know that is supposedly the immoral thing to do. But shit who is a virgin when they get married? I wasn�t a virgin, but I had only had sex with my husband. So what difference does it make anymore? I was too young when I got married. Most of the people I know were too young when they started having sex. I was 18, which seems too young; most of my friends were 15, way too young. I have had sex in 33 years with 2 men and 1 one woman. The second man was the biggest mistake I have made in my life. The woman was amazing and I want that again.
I don�t know what to do. I AM SO TIRED OF THAT! I WANT TO KNOW! Damn it.
Also, still sick of all relationships. I want to be able to be honest, there should not be consequences with honesty. I want to be able to tell someone that I enjoy their company and would like to spend more time with them and not worry that it will freak them out. I want to be able to look at someone and say, what do you expect from me? Tell them who I am, the way I am and have them tell me if they can handle it or not and go from there. I can�t read minds and I am sick of trying to guess what other people want. Why are these things too much to ask?
Redundant much?
